i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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