if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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