shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
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We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
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It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize