I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
