Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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