can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
