this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
