just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
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Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
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He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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