Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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