You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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