I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
