I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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