she woke up with a sticky ear
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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