Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
