No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
