I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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