well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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