you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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