When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
