Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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