literally had 100 drinks last night.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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