it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
