so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
