i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
