It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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