i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
