im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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