He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
this will be a night to untag.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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