Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
