Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
