He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
