I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
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explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
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2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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