i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
