[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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