You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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