How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My vagina just recognized that song.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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