i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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