The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
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I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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