If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
