You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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