a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
