you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize