I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
