i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
