i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
