The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
