her facebook's as public as her vagina
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
