Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
