i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
