someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
