What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
