turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
