Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
