your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
