Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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