GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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