He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
