He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
